Always
by Kirsty95
Summary: Post 3x07. "Before today, she had never known what true helplessness felt like." In the aftermath of episode 3x07 "Crazy For You", Maura struggles to process the events of the day. Can she put aside her own feelings long enough to get through to her best friend? Hints of Rizzles! Warning: mentions of rape. One-shot. Complete.


**Hello Rizzoli & Isles fandom! **

**OK, so this is my first fic in a l-o-n-g time and it is my first ever Rizzoli & Isles fic! Truth is, I fell in love with this show a few months back and I am totally and completely addicted. I have been lurking around reading fics for some time now and stalking the Rizzoli and Isles tag on Tumblr like a proper weirdo. **

**Bottom line - this show is amazing! The relationship of Maura and Jane is one of the best things ever. Ever. **

**That being said. This fic takes place post 3x07. Yes, another one of those. I did not think or particularly want a post-ep to be my first R & I fic because there are always so many but I couldn't help it. I've been playing around and writing bits and pieces that aren't finished yet but after 3x07 (like everyone else) I felt disappointed by the final scene. I mean, come on! I do not have a problem with Maura and Jane making light of the situation. I do feel it was in character. HOWEVER I do have a problem with the fact we did not see a more emotional reaction AT ALL. The episode was so intense that I NEEDED to see emotional fallout. When we didn't get it, I had to create some of my own. So, yes I know there are a few of these out there but I wanted to throw in my pennies worth. I started writing and just couldn't stop.**

**Anyway, here it is for your critique! Enjoy:**

Maura gripped the edge of the mattress, her back poker straight, desperate to keep a grip on reality. To not slip back into the nightmare that had been today. Because before today, she had never known what true helplessness felt like.

For her entire life, more or less, Maura Isles had been a loner. For the best part of thirty years, she had been entirely emotionally self-sufficient.

And then, she met Jane.

Hurricane Jane had blown into her life without warning and, unprepared for the storm, Maura's life had been turned upside down. The raven haired Detective was unlike any person that Maura had ever met and yet Jane completed her in a way that Maura never thought was possible. She had become more than a close friend or a sister - she was an extension of Maura that Maura had never even realised she was missing.

No. Doctor Maura Isles was no longer emotionally self-sufficient. Somewhere along the line, her emotional well-being and state of mind had become entangled with Detective Jane Rizzoli. She had known for a while that she depended on Jane more than was healthy. It was not a new feeling to understand that she loved her friend a little bit too much. It was not a new feeling to experience the thought of losing Jane – in fact, it was a thought she had entertained a little too much for her liking. Maura knew what terror felt like. There were still some nights when she woke up from a nightmare, the ghostly fading feel of Hoyt on top of her making her heart pound with fear.

But this… there were almost no words for what they had been through today. It was the worst feeling Maura had ever experienced. Worse than when Jane was shot and, if not worse, just as bad as the time Hoyt held them captive in that hospital room.

Because when Jane had been hurt before - Maura had been right there with her. At least when Jane shot herself to protect Frankie, Maura had been on hand – she was able to _do _something, to use her skills to help staunch the blood. At least when they were held by Hoyt she had been able to look in Jane's eyes and communicate with her, telling her with facial expressions more than words could every convey.

What she had experienced today was a feeling worse than any previous terror. Today she had experienced utter, complete, devastating despair. To actually be forced to _watch? _To watch on a bad video feed from miles away, helpless, as her friend was tied to a bed by some psychopath and to not be able to do anything? To not be able to look into those eyes and tell Jane just how very much she meant to her before it was too late? It was the worst feeling that Maura could ever have imagined.

It had completely shaken her. This situation with Dominick – it was different. New. This was not Detective Rizzoli and Doctor Isles, in another life-threatening situation together as a result of their work. This was Jane and Maura. Jane. And Maura. Separated by some lunatic who thought the former was his wife. Some 'lunatic' who Jane knew from her childhood and who, after all the evil murderers and rapists they encountered on a daily basis, would be the last person Maura would have suspected to almost destroy her Jane.

Jane going missing had awoken feelings in Maura that scared her. Seeing Dominick's hands on her best friend when Jane looked so completely pathetic and vulnerable stirred feelings of such violent rage that she actually scared herself. As a doctor, logically, she knew that Dominick was sick. But one look at Jane's terrified face made her stop caring. One look at her best friend, restrained against her will, made Maura sure that she would gladly kill Dominick without a second thought if she could only get her hands on him. If she could just get him to take _his_ off of her Jane. And that was another thing that she was now absolutely sure of – Jane was _hers. _

Part of her now, listening to the sound of her shower and knowing that her friend was behind that door trying not to fall part, felt unbelievably guilty about even entertaining such inappropriate thoughts of possessiveness after everything that Jane had been through today. Watching Dominick's hands on Jane's face, the way he stroked it with his chubby fingers and the way Jane had cringed away from him made Maura's stomach turn.

But she couldn't help it. Jane was _hers_. Her best friend. Her Jane. She had never been Dean's Jane. She wasn't even Casey's Jane. She was most definitely _Maura's_ Jane. Whatever that meant exactly, Maura wasn't sure. But the fact remained that they belonged to each other. That was just the way it was.

Maura, lost in her thoughts, was startled slightly by Jane's re-appearance. She quickly forced a smile. Jane paused in the doorway, chewing on her lip. Her curly hair was damp and tied back from her face. She wore a pair of Maura's shorts over her long, tanned legs and Maura's Boston University sweatshirt that swamped her lean frame. She dithered, feeling oddly exposed under Maura's scorching gaze, pulling down self-consciously on the long sleeves of the borrowed shirt. Familiar hazel eyes raked over her, haunted and pitying and something else that Jane couldn't identify. She met Maura's gaze momentarily before looking away. "I can't – can you re-bandage my wrists?" she asked pathetically. "When I was in the shower they – can you help me?" her voice wavered a little. She hated asking for help.

Maura cleared her throat, unfurling her fists from the throw. "Of course" she answered. She pointed to the bed. "Sit, Detective. I'll go get the first aid kit"

Jane padded over to the bed obediently, sitting atop the duvet with her legs crossed. When Maura reappeared a few moments later, she was struck by how childlike Jane looked. She shook her head, bustling over and setting to work. She moved into Dr Isles mode, kneeling beside Jane on the bed as she opened the first aid kit. She swallowed, reaching for Jane's hands and pulling them towards her in one fluid motion. She avoided Jane's gaze, trying to be nonchalant.

It was harder to remain stoic when she pushed up the sleeves and saw the angry red welts that ringed Jane's slender wrists. She couldn't help but take a sharp intake of breath. Jane's eyes flashed to Maura's face in concern, blushing. "It's worse than it looks" she squirmed.

Maura swallowed back tears as she inspected the damage, her deft fingers cool and soothing as she turned Jane's wrists this way and that before expertly wrapping them in bandages. She completed the action as quickly as possible, sensing Jane's discomfort. Her friend's attempts to brush this off did not surprise her. "You know, you can admit that it hurts Jane. There's nothing weak about admitting pain. You don't need to be brave for me" she said quietly, releasing her friend.

Jane stared at the duvet and swallowed. "I know. I'm fine" She couldn't help but feel an emptiness at Maura's words and hear the hollowness of her own. She hated being like this. She didn't _want_ Maura to see her weakness. It was bad enough that Maura or any of them had even _seen _ her in that situation in the first place, helpless and completely vulnerable. She hated the fact that they would all see her in a different light now. They would say that they didn't and that it didn't matter. But it did. It always did. "Thanks" she offered quietly, drawing her hands up to her chest and clasping them just below her chin.

For a moment, there was only silence. "Do you want to go to sleep now?" Maura asked quietly, tilting her head.

Jane sighed, glancing at the clock. "Not really" she grimaced, like a toddler fighting exhaustion. Again, they lapsed into silence. It was one of the things she loved about the other woman – to not need to fill every space with words. Eventually, Jane sighed. "I guess I have to though, right? Can't stay up forever."

"No. Hallucinations begin by day four"

Jane smiled despite herself.

"Come on" Maura stood up to pull the duvet back and switch the lamp off. Jane mirrored her movements slowly, pushing past the irrational fear of darkness and of lying beside someone else in bed. Jane quickly slid beneath the covers. Maura lay down slowly, her face toward the ceiling. "Are you comfortable?" she asked awkwardly, eyes trained on the ceiling.

"You know, Doctor Isles, if that's your attempt of trying to seduce me you really suck. You need better pick-up lines"

"Jane!" Maura opened her mouth in mock indignation, turning her head to catch Jane's eye, laughing as familiar dark eyes twinkled mischievously. "I can still throw you out, you know" she narrowed her eyes.

Jane grinned, stretching out and snuggling down further into the bed. "You won't though" she asserted smugly.

Maura turned on her side to face Jane, propping her head up on one elbow. "Arrogance is an extremely unattractive trait" she raised her eyebrows.

Jane chuckled, turning her face slightly into the pillow and closing her eyes. "You know you love me" she answered, smiling as the quick reply rolled off her tongue. She needed this. She needed to feel normal .

Maura fell silent, her eyes tracing over the beautiful face of the woman before her. "I do" she admitted softly. Jane's smiled widened a little.

"Me too, Maur" she mumbled sleepily.

Maura's heart swelled and her hand reached up of its own accord to tuck a stray curl behind Jane's ear.

Jane stiffened and jumped slightly at the touch, her eyes flying open in panic.

Maura cursed her own stupidity and recoiled. "I'm sorry – I didn't meant to startle you I just –" she shook her head, fighting tears which suddenly welled. "I'm sorry, Jane. Let's just go to sleep" she turned away, pulling the sheets more tightly around her.

For a moment there was only silence, awkward and tense. The only sound was the breathing of the two women, the ticking of a clock and the rustling of sheets as Jane turned to lie on her back. Maura held her breath, waiting for something to happen to break the tension, sure that Jane would get up and leave. Maybe she should be the one to leave? Jane obviously wanted to be alone, maybe she should say something –

Maura's train of thought was cut off very suddenly when a violent sob reverberated through the room. As Maura turned around slowly to face Jane again. Jane, her best friend, had both of her hands pressed against her eyes and was shaking with exertion at trying to control her tears.

Maura felt her heart break into a thousand tiny pieces.

"I'm sorry" Jane choked out quietly, drawing deep ragged breaths as she attempted to regain control. Maura reached out to peel Jane's hands away from her eyes, forcing her best friend to turn once again on her side and face her. She repeated her name over and over again as she pulled Jane towards her, her arms winding themselves around the woman's skinny frame. "Oh, honey it's OK" she whispered, her own tears leaking out and into the other woman's frizzy hair. Jane burrowed her face into Maura's neck, her body shaking as a few silent sobs wracked her body. Maura's hands stroked Jane's back soothingly and for several minutes there was nothing but the sound of Jane's cries and Maura's soft, reassuring murmurs as she played protector. Eventually, when Jane's sobs faded to the occasional hiccup and then quietened completely Maura pressed a soothing kiss to her temple before reluctantly releasing her. She rolled away slowly, peeling back to peer into Jane's now red-rimmed eyes.

Jane reached down between them and tangled her fingers with Maura's, holding on tightly and bringing their joined hands up between their chests. Maura squeezed the hand tightly, her eyes studiously on Jane's face as the other woman purposefully avoided her gaze.

"He took off my clothes" she whispered.

Maura's breath hitched in her throat. She squeezed Jane's hand tighter.

"I couldn't move my hands. It was just like…before. With Hoyt" Jane moved their joined hands, flexing and un-flexing their fingers as if to prove to herself that she was no longer restrained. "I've never felt so helpless" she admitted, her voice always a whisper. "I just kept praying the whole time that someone would find me before he got the chance to…" her voice caught. She couldn't say it. She could hardly bear to even think it. _Before he got the chance to rape me. _"I'd rather have died, Maur. I'd rather have died than have him –" she closed her eyes, inhaling sharply, shuddering as she remembered his hot breath on her face and the scratch of his beard as he forced his lips on hers. The way her stomach had lurched at the way he leered at her, his hands around her waist. All the time, waiting for him to suddenly go further when she would be powerless to stop him. Knowing that she wouldn't be able to stop herself from crying out, from screaming and begging him to stop. And that would push him over the edge, out of the fantasy. And then he would kill her.

She forced her eyes opened, her heart racing. "I can still…" she swallowed, meeting Maura's eyes for the first time. "I can still feel him, Maur" she admitted, tears welling once again in her eyes.

Maura felt her resolve crumble at the unmasked pain in Jane's eyes. She brought her free hand up slowly, careful not to startle her this time, and grazed her thumb over the other woman's cheek, clearing away a stray tear. "I know, baby. But he didn't, Jane. He didn't"

Jane closed her eyes, leaning into Maura's soft touch. She clung to the words. He didn't. That was true – Frost and Frankie had got to her in time. But that didn't change the fact that he could have. It didn't change the fact that he had stripped her naked while she was passed out and did goodness knows what, short of actually raping her, before dressing her up in what she had a sneaking suspicion where his dead wife's clothes. It didn't change the fact that she had been violated – and what was more, that they had seen that. All of them this time, not just Korsak. Frost, Frankie…Maura. How was she supposed to be the strong one now when they had seen her so vulnerable? How could she be a cop, with all her training and experience, and still get caught out by a guy in a van. Because, really, that's the number one rule right? Even kids know you don't get in the back of a van. It's like the first thing you learn as a kid. She felt ridiculous that she had been caught out by this man. Humiliated. Hoyt, at least, was something of a criminal mastermind – a bloodthirsty sociopath. A worthy opponent, she thought scathingly. This time – she had no-one to blame but herself. And just like that Jane could feel herself shutting down again, ashamed of her tears. "I should have known better. I should never have got in the back of that bread truck" she burst out in frustration.

"Jane" Maura's voice warned, seeing the internal battle unfold across the detective's face. "You know that none of this is your fault. There is _no way_ you could have known this would happen. It could have happened to –"

"Don't say it, Maur" Jane snapped, sitting bolt upright. "Don't say this could have happened to anyone. I'm a cop, OK? I should have known better"

"It's not your fault" Maura repeated stubbornly.

Jane clenched her jaw just as stubbornly and turned away, releasing Maura's hand and swinging her legs out of bed.

Maura listened to the quiet sound of Jane's breathing. She could feel the frustration and anger radiating off of the other woman and she hated that Jane was beating herself up. Part of her wanted to dig in her heels and make her talk about this – force her to see that it wasn't her fault. But then Jane let out a little hiccup, the apparent aftermath of her earlier breakdown and Maura knew that she would be the first to give in. That she _should_ be the first to give. She sighed. "It's been a long day" she finally relented.

"You don't say" Jane muttered.

"Jane"

"Sorry"

"Lie down" Maura ordered. Slowly, very slowly, Jane slid her legs back under the duvet and lowered herself onto the pillows.

"Yes Ma'am" she muttered. They both chuckled weakly, the sound quiet and comforting in the dark.

Both slowly rolled back to face the other, their faces angles and shapes in the dark. It wasn't long before Maura reached for Jane's hand again in the gloom, instinctively knowing that she would have to make all the first moves tonight.. "You're exhausting, Jane, do you know that?" she whispered fondly. Jane was silent, her eyebrow arching questioningly. "It's from one extreme to the other – _you_, my friend, are deceptively complex. And you can try to laugh and joke about this and brush it off but I _know _you, Jane Clementine Rizzoli" Maura pressed a finger to Jane's lips at the grumble the other woman made at the use of her full name before continuing to speak. "_Yes, _Jane Clementine, Ido know you. And one thing I am absolutely sure of is that you are not fine. I won't pretend to understand what it was like for you today but I can tell you that _I_ have never been so scared in my entire life. Knowing you were in danger and not being able to help you – it was worse than Hoyt, for me" Maura's voice grew a little thicker and she could see Jane's eyes shining in the dark. She ploughed on "The reason I'm telling you all of this is because I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me. You can tell me anything, Jane. And I know that when you're sarcastic it makes you feel better because that's how you deal with things. So if making light of this helps you then we can make light of it. As long as that's not all we do, clear? Because I will be damned, Jane Clementine Rizzoli, if you were saved from goodness knows what fate today to just end up destroying yourself because you're too damn proud" Maura finished fiercely, a lone tear escaping silently from her eyes.

Silence descended and Jane could only hear the roaring in her ears. She opened her mouth but found her throat clogged and stuck with emotion. Instead she squeezed Maura's hand as tightly as she dared.

Maura watched Jane's in the dark, her heart thudding with love at the innocence and vulnerability displayed there. Very few people got to see this side of Jane – the exposed, almost marshmallow soft side. And Maura felt privileged to be one of those very few people. She loved this woman with all her heart and she would make sure that she didn't lose her. She had been given a second chance today and she wasn't going to waste it. It would take a lot of time, tears and conversation but Maura was determined to make sure that Jane was safe. She was going to make sure that she knew she was loved – wherever that path may lead them. She exhaled softly.

"Let's get some sleep, Jane" she whispered, throwing an arm over her friends waist and snuggling closer. Jane shifted closer, welcoming the heat and comfort that radiated from the smaller woman. "Goodnight Jane"

"Night Maur" she murmured, her heart thudding with love. "Maur?"

"Hm?"

Jane snuggled closer, burying her face in Maura's neck. "Thank you for being here" she whispered.

Maura smiled in the darkness, their fingers still intertwined. "Always"

**So there it is, my first R&I fic. I would love to hear your thoughts! Reviews are love :) **


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